Just a Thought
20th November, 2019
Literally, it’s just a thought. Possibly the single most effective practice for living a happy life is training yourself to stop giving your thoughts so much power. The current term is mindfulness but the concept has been around a long time, it is one of the main Buddhist philosophies taught by the Buddha to reach enlightenment.
Beginning with an example, imagine that you start a new job and there’s a clique within your department and they’re not very welcoming to you. We’re tribe animals and we don’t like being ostracised and excluded, it’s a survival instinct. However, it’s mostly an outdated survival instinct because our social network reaches far and wide and just because we don’t find genuine connection and support in an immediate community doesn’t necessarily mean we’re in imminent danger. This being rationally the case doesn’t usually stop the feeling of rejection and victimisation. Generally speaking what we then tend to do when the feelings of discomfort arise is spend a lot of time in our heads creating a narrative. It may be a narrative of what is being and has been said about us, what about ourselves these people may have disliked, what they may have heard that has led to this shutting out and the key thing to realise in all of this is the word ‘may’. It is a fictitious narrative. Even if we know for sure what has caused the behaviour the constant working and reworking of what has happened is still fictitious in this moment. What may have happened or what has happened is in the past and cannot be altered or changed and therefore in a relevant way does not exist. The outcome that we are discussing with ourselves, the future argument or confrontation is also fictitious and does not exist. If we can train the mind to accept ‘this is the current reality’ and then stop, the feelings of discomfort cannot spiral. Every time that twinge of suffering arises, if we can acknowledge it and refuse to let the mind go any further, the suffering ceases. In this scenario the next time we are actually in the situation we can choose to deal with it, we can express an apology if appropriate or reach out in a friendly manner to form a better relationship or, as sometimes is the case, we may need to accept that these people do not wish us in their circle for no reason that is ours and only for a reason that is theirs and that is their right and not something we need to or can change. If that is the case, the feeling of discomfort will likely still arise and we can choose not to evolve it; acknowledge, accept, move on. Soon it fails to affect us.
It is a practice that takes work, most of us allow our thoughts to wander and spiral and grow, for me I used to take almost a pleasure in it, my fictitious world inside my head, this world would quite literally keep me awake at night.
The key is to just start, the next time you realise you’re reworking the past or imagining a future in your mind, consciously stop the thoughts. Drag your mind to your breathing or an activity you’re involved in. A great exercise is to pick a mundane task like washing dishes, a task where you know you would allow your thoughts free reign, and during the task keep dragging your mind back to what you are actually doing. You will most likely lose yourself for moments and that’s ok, when you realise you’ve wandered just bring it back.
This is the practice we work with in most meditation techniques. Usually you would keep focus on something like the breath and when a thought arises, acknowledge it as a thought and go no further, return your focus to the breath. With practice this becomes easier and there is less wandering.
Mindfulness can become part of day to day life, active mindfulness where you have trained yourself to easily recognise the wanderings of your thoughts and just stop. It does become that simple with practice.
When mindfulness is your natural state any morbid pleasure you found in your imaginary world pales in comparison to the peace you find in living purely in the moment, purely in the present. You can deal with everything so much more easily because either there is nothing real to deal with or it is put aside until the moment when you can actually deal with it. So much pressure is relieved, removed.
I was discussing this with a friend and he asked about all the thoughts that are for planning or require action. I’m not encouraging a life where you shirk responsibility or live without a necessary to do list. The difference is in the rambling. If you are drinking your morning coffee and you think ‘I need to remember to buy more coffee today’ you can set a reminder, or not, to buy coffee and then that’s the end of the thought. The key is not to then let your mind think ‘I’m so hopeless for always forgetting coffee, I’m so hopeless in general, this is why people dislike me, and and and….’ This is obviously an innocuous example, maybe, maybe it would send you into a shame spiral of anxiety and listlessness that affects the whole of your day. This is why mindfulness is life changing, because once you can train the mind not to dwell in the innocuous ramblings, you can begin to train the mind not to spin around the bigger hurts, whatever that is to you, whether it’s coffee spillages or forgetfulness or the loss of a lover, or a discussion you’re worried about having with your boss or your neighbour or the possible sadness of a child or an occurrence that has changed the course of your life.
Your thoughts are not ‘you’, they are just thoughts, and most of them aren’t real in any relevant way to your existence and happiness. Try the mundane task exercise today. And maybe commit to a working practice, if you’re ready, or talk to a teacher, or myself, or read a book, or take a course. There is so much relief to be found in this practice, I wish it for all of you.
