Mettā - what is loving kindness & how does it feel?

7 Nov

Written By Sarah Akida

I wanted to write a little bit today about mettā and try to give you an idea of what it is and hopefully try to articulate how it feels. I would love for some of my readers to feel encouraged to begin cultivating mettā in their lives and there are two reasons for this, the first is that I believe it is beneficial to all beings for us to live practicing loving kindness and the second is that my own loving kindness wishes this sense of peace and happiness within for you all.

Mettā is a Pali word with many English translations, words such as ‘kindness, benevolence, sympathy, compassion’ etc. it is most often translated as ‘loving kindness’ or ‘loving friendliness’ and if you’re a visual person I invite you to bring to mind the smiling face of the Dalai Lama, benevolence personified, and perhaps you’ll start to get a feel for what the term is attempting to describe.

The expression we most often describe as ‘love’ is not the same as mettā which is absolute and asks for nothing in return, no exchange or list of requirements. The love we usually offer does have these requirements; ‘I love you as long as your behaviour continues in a way I deem appropriate, or as long as I find you attractive or if you give to me something that I feel I require’. Mettā is an outward projection of goodwill no matter the situation or person you are faced with. It is also the inward projection of love towards oneself.

The Buddha taught that one must love oneself first to be able to love all beings and I have found this to be true. When we are angry or victimised, self pitying or full of hate this does truly seem to be a projection of how we are failing to love ourselves. Just as with a practice of outward loving kindness, loving kindness to oneself is also without requirement; with mettā you love yourself, your dark and your light.

A cultivation of mettā doesn’t just make you a nice person to be around, but will deliver you to a place of peace, of happiness, this is why I find it so interesting as a technique to help those who are suffering, who are stuck in repetitive cycles, who feel sadness or shame or anxiety or anger.

Like all things, for most people achieving a state of loving kindness is a process, a journey, and some very strongly resist it as a concept because they feel or want to hold on to an idea that ‘negative’ actions, ‘bad’ people, deserve to be treated with hostility, an eye for an eye, including themselves. We are generally raised to understand that some people do not deserve love due to their actions; what we don’t always realise is that often as children we feel that the love of our caregivers is reliant on how well we adhere to certain guidelines and rules. Though of course, most parents mean this in a positive way, it can create adults who don’t feel they quite deserve love and are frightened of its withdrawal and retaliate, protect themselves, by always being prepared to withdraw love.

Mettā, with practice, will be active, continuous, but a place to start is with a mettā meditation. A small commitment to feel loving kindness in your meditation practice, there is a method to this, you’ll easily find scripts online and of course it is something we teach. Once you are joyfully loving yourself, you begin to send that same feeling of happy love to someone close to you; next someone you feel ambivalent about, just a person; now the harder part for many people, someone who has affected you negatively. Lastly we send mettā out to all beings. It is here that you realise just how big you are, how connected we are and it is magical.

So how does loving kindness feel? I can’t speak for everyone, our experiences are our own, but for me, heightened in moments of active meditation and ‘negative’ situations and underlying in all my moments is a feeling of absolute peace and serenity. Strangers are kinder towards me, I have an understanding of everyone’s struggles and hurts and I try not to take any behaviour personally, it’s not about me, and I genuinely wish them love and healing to a much, much greater extent than I wish them to treat me with kindness. I am not fully there, it’s always a journey. When I become angry or sad I remember to love myself and then I commit to learning and staying in peace.

There is a wealth of information and reading available on this subject. Mettā’s roots are Buddhist so that may be a subject you wish to explore as well. Mindfulness and loving kindness go hand in hand I find. I am always learning and growing.

I hope this blog leaves you with a smile at your lips and love in your heart and of course, sending you all loving kindness, Sarah x