Loving Kindness & Boundaries
December 17th, 2019
Often, kindness is mistaken for a lack of boundaries, for being a pushover, and yes sometimes when you are naturally a kind person or when you embark on a life of kindness you can end up in situations where you feel taken advantage of or where your feelings and needs have not been considered. I have definitely been there myself. This is why loving oneself first is so important. Dedicating yourself to mettā towards self first and then outwardly is synonymous with setting and standing by your boundaries.
Whenever you say yes when you want to say no, you are acting out of alignment with your truth, and being dishonest with yourself is not an act of love towards self. Any time that you allow something or do something that feels wrong and makes you angry or frustrated, sad or makes you feel victimised, you are creating an imbalance within yourself that lacks compassion. When this occurs, even though your intentions may be kind, it corrupts the flow of love, which is to oneself and then outwardly. Often this then creates those feelings you are trying to live a life without; feelings of anger towards someone or frustration or victimisation.
The need to always please others at the expense of your own comfort can often be traced back to a historical event or events. The need to please parents or guardians, the need to hold a place in a peer group at school, the fear of losing a partner. These triggers can be big or small; the smallest incident can stick in a child’s psyche; if you’re prone to people pleasing, take a moment to look back, without attachment and judgement, and see if anything comes forward. The without attachment part is important. You have a memory, it may be painful or annoying, practice mindfulness now; it is just a memory, it is not of this moment, view it with unattached interest, as if it was an example question in a test or a puzzle you were trying to solve, release the notion that it is you, it is not you, it is just a memory. The next step is to forgive it and release it; maybe the other person or people in this memory were in an agitated state, did they really mean what they said? Maybe they were doing the best they could at that moment in time, is this behaviour from them the way you most often remember them? Maybe they were acting in the manner they were taught, was it historical? All people are dealing with their own traumas and learning; remove the belief and attachment that this was about you, remove the expectation for others to act perfectly towards you at all times, release any shame you felt at the time, it’s ok to be human, to be imperfect. If you have studied or practice mettā use this practice now; send love to this incident, to these people, love them in their humanity and imperfection, set it free.
In order to love outwardly and completely it is so important to set, voice and stick to your loving boundaries, this makes it possible to love others always, no matter what, because by not allowing the crossing of your boundaries, no one can ever jeopardise your balance. When your balance is affected, maintaining benevolence is invariably impossible, you are annoyed or upset or petulant or judgmental. When you voice or act on a boundary you’ve made, those it affects are either happy to exist around you whilst respecting your boundary or they’re not, if they’re not, that’s ok, you can wish them loving kindness and keep whatever distance is necessary to respect your boundary. There will be those who are always ok with your boundaries, there will be those that don’t align with some and you can choose how much interaction you have and there will be those who can’t be in your life at all, for your wellness it is important to accept this, loving yourself sometimes means saying goodbye to those that are not in alignment with you. More instances where you cause each other harm will not be helpful or healing. This can be hard, but keep in mind that you must show yourself love first, and this will enable you to wish them love, even when you cannot be a part of each others’ lives.
If you feel you are strict in your boundaries but you are not feeling at peace, it is worth looking at whether you have set an honest boundary that is in alignment with your truths or whether you have built a wall in response to trauma. Trauma is sometimes events and sometimes learned behaviours that are unhelpful, debilitating or harmful to self. If you are comfortable with self awareness and self analysis you can do this yourself through meditation and contemplation or if that feels too much for you, you can speak with someone to assist, such as a counsellor or healer or coach. It is also an act of kindness to oneself to heal traumas and release trauma responses and walls.
Often the idea of speaking to someone about something we have previously allowed which we don’t wish to allow going forward, or to change a yes to a no, fills us with anxiety. This reaction is mostly due to a fear of losing people or being faced with anger or sadness. The truth is this may be the response, but we must accept that those we have contact with have their own narratives and stories that create this, it is not about us. Loving kindness to oneself must come first and so if that is what you’re expressing, whatever reaction you receive back is ok and with mindfulness you can learn to feel ok about it and not dwell or let the thoughts connected to it spiral. If the anxiety you experience at the idea of this is extreme then there is likely a past trauma, an abandonment or similar, that creates this extreme reaction. Seek healing for this past wound whilst being loving towards yourself as much as you can, seek support from those that don’t create feelings of anxiety.
Healing, boundary setting and mettā for most of us is a process of a lifetime. Remember not to be too hard on yourself, show yourself kindness. As with most things, the way forward is to make a start. Set a boundary today and stick to it. Pick something small if that’s more comfortable for you, or if there’s been something that’s really been bothering you, decide how you would be made comfortable, what expression of this situation is in alignment with you and your needs, find a place of calm, prepare yourself to act with mindfulness no matter the reaction and appropriately express yourself. If it is your truth then whatever reaction is ok; the reaction may be positive, remember we often create our own negative narratives without any solid foundation as to why that would be the outcome, if the reaction is negative maintain your mindfulness and be accepting, be firm and don’t be drawn into arguments or heated discussions, be open and non-defensive. Imagine any harsh words sliding from your skin without penetrating, keep love in your heart to help with this. When I am steadfast and being met with disagreement I often actively do or simply visualise myself bowing my head with hands joined at heart centre in an action of recognition and acceptance; “I recognise where you are and how you feel and I accept it without judgement.’ In time perhaps they will learn to respect your needs. This helps me to not be drawn into unnecessary debate and maintain my calm and benevolence. I also find it helpful to smile slightly, not mockingly, this helps me to keep peace in mind.
Sarah xo
